


Aftermath

by I_Put_Myself_Back_In_The_Narrative



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Historical Inaccuracy, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Washington is still president
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 03:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10711680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Put_Myself_Back_In_The_Narrative/pseuds/I_Put_Myself_Back_In_The_Narrative
Summary: After Phillip's death, Eliza's shaken. She can't help but think about her baby. Although she still feels anger towards her husband for the Reynolds Pamphlet, she knows she can't keep him in the dark after so many people have already abandoned him. She wants to forgive him but can't bring herself to. She notices her husband become more and more reclusive and as he becomes more and more depressed. If she doesn't forgive him, Alex might make a decision that would change the Hamilton family forever./WARNINGS\ Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, and self harm/self hate/self blame. If any of these bother you, PLEASE DON'T READ THIS!I just realized the summary is talking about Eliza when the majority of this story is told by Alexander.





	Aftermath

**There are moments when the words don't reach. There is suffering too terrible to name. You hold your child as tight as you can and push away the unimaginable. The moments when you're in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down.**

 

* * *

 

Alexander's POV

I held Phillip as he took his last breath. I cried. I heard Eliza's scream as she begged for our oldest son to live. I winced as I realized I have once again caused pain to my family. 

 

* * *

 

We moved uptown. We couldn't live in that house now that Phillip was gone. It held too many memories of happier times. 

 

* * *

 

I sighed as I sat in the garden. My poor Phillip... I shouldn't have given him the guns. I shouldn't have allowed him to duel and yet... I did. It's all my fault he's dead. I've felt this feeling of blame too many times. Hah. Jefferson thinks I'm so full of myself, but I'm not. In truth, I hate myself. I hate myself for everything I am. I miss my Eliza. I miss my children. I don't expect them to forgive me for what I did. 

 

* * *

 

I walked inside and made eye contact with Eliza. I quickly looked down and walked swiftly to my office. I sat down and I noticed my sleeves had lifted up. I looked at my arms. The scars told a story. Eliza had asked me about them once but... I didn't tell her anything. She doesn't need to know how tormented I am. She doesn't need to know she married a cheating bastard who is as worthless as I am. Although, she probably already knows about both since I published the pamphlet. I looked at a poem Phillip had wrote me.

I cried. I looked at the knife I had in my desk drawer that was meant to be used for protection. Should I do it? I shook my head. I told John I'd stop. Oh... If only John were here. No! I scolded myself. John is dead. I should've been there for him too, just like how I should've been there for my mother, my cousin, Eliza, my kids, and especially Phillip. I picked up the blade. I haven't done this in years. I cut myself. It felt... Good. I cut myself a few more times and stopped. I couldn't do this. I just... Couldn't, not after I had promised John I wouldn't. I used a towel to wipe off the blood on the knife and to clean the blood on my arm and desk.

I went to bed, nightmares of Philip blaming me for his death plaguing me. I can't even deny them, because it's true.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys (enjoyed?) that. I don't think enjoyed would be the right word... Anyways, if you have any constructive criticism or anything you want to say, please do so. I thank y'all for reading and sincerely hope you're having a FANTASTIC day! 
> 
> \- I_Put_Myself_Back_In_The_Narrative


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